


3 A.M

by fading_hope



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Character Death, Cutting, Depression, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 11:55:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6005034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fading_hope/pseuds/fading_hope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathanaël wasn't sure why he was given this life. Every night was the same. Drowning in his own thoughts with only himself to hold onto for dear life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	3 A.M

He wasn't quite sure why he was given this life. Every night was the same, drowning in his thoughts with only himself to hold onto for dear life. The room was dark, a soft light illuminating from the moon through the window. He wondered why he kept trying. Nothing in life was going his way. Nothing convinced him to fight through all the pain. Feeling like shit, he sat up and ran his fingers through his hair as his deep sigh filled the silence of the room for a few seconds. The cold tears didn't fail to slip down his pale cheeks as he closed his eyes, too tired of just... everything. 

Getting up slowly, he dragged himself to the bathroom, using the least amount of energy as he could. He felt an itch coming. It was time. 2:54 AM. He stepped into the shower after ridding himself of his clothes, not forgetting to bring his blade along with him. Turning the shower on, he slumped down onto the cold, wet, tile floor as the water hit him softly. He brought the blade up to his wrist with a shaky hand, slowly dragging it across the skin. The once pale and smooth skin was pigmented with a shade of crimson red, the shower slowly washing it away. He winced as he dragged it across once more, the sensation painful, but at the same time satisfying. He watched as the blood dripped down his arm, watched the water wash it away. It had become an obsession of his recently, and while he knew that it was wrong - what he had gotten himself into, he couldn't care any less of what happened to him.

He had promised himself he wouldn't do this again, but what 'promise' was it when he didn't even care about himself? In fact, he was pretty sure he hated himself more than anyone else ever could. He remained seated under the shower until it turned cold. Most of the blood was dried by then, but some of the deeper cuts were still bleeding. Those, he cared enough to patch up before putting his clothes back on and walking slowly back to the bed. As he layed down, he stared up at the ceiling, the silence of the room was starting to become sickening. He closed his eyes and let a tear drip down the side of his face. 

"Why are you even trying?" He whispered into the silence, regretting speaking his thoughts as he felt more alone than ever. He curled up into a small ball and pulled the covers over his small frame as he slipped into the only place where he felt okay. 

~

He stayed in bed all of the next day, not taking a step out of his room. He did not eat. He did not do any college work that was piling up. He simply laid there and thought deeply about why he was alive, only occasionally getting up to go to the bathroom. He easily could have grabbed his blade and cut deep enough for him to die, but something in him stopped him from doing so. He called it unlucky, but others called it hope. Nathanaël had hope. Hope that he would find someone who would love him. Hope that he would one day get better, because in all honesty, he truly did want to get better.

As the night fell, though, that hope turned into something slightly darker. He was frustrated with himself. The hatred towards himself was at its peak that night. Catching a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking a piss, he gasped in horror. His cheeks were hollow and he was quite pale. He disregarded the reflection in disgust, tearing up as he stormed to his bed and pounced onto it, burying his head into the covers. His sobs were muffled, but they were nonetheless filled with pain and loneliness.

Looking around groggily, he felt the familiar itch creeping back up. 2:55 AM. When had so much time gone by? He got up and stumbled to the bathroom, stripping in record speed and grabbing his blade before stepping into the shower. The water was already warm when he first turned it on. Slumping down, he immediately got to slicing his skin, hissing in pain as the water ran through the fresh cuts. Instead of cursing at the pain, he embraced it. He wanted more. He started to cut further up his arm. The blood, like yesterday, disappeared down the drain. He started to feel light headed, gripping the blade a little tighter as he leaned his head back onto the cold wall. He urged himself to go on, dragging the blade once more before his arm holding the blade dropped to his side, falling unconscious.

~

By the time he woke up, it was already 1 PM. He looked around, confused as to why he was laying down on the bathroom floor before recalling the previous night's events. Seeing that class was at 2 PM that day and that he had enough time to get ready, he stood up and quickly cleaned himself off, successfully getting ready by 1:40 PM. Just enough time to get to the campus and to class. 

When he arrived, class had already started, but the teacher seemed glad to see him in his class for once, welcoming him as he entered class despite the lesson he was teaching. He took his usual seat, but a lot has changed since he last participated in the class. There were new people, and they layout of the class was slightly different. Among all of the students in the room, one stood out, and he happened to be sitting right next to him. The said man was tall, or at least looked the part as he was sitting down. He had blonde hair , and he was tapping his pencil on the table as he worked hard on trying to solve the problem on the board. The man had caught Nathanaël staring, raising an eyebrow at the shorter. Nathanaël nodded softly and looked down at his notes, not knowing what was going on at all.

After the dreadful class ended, the man turned his head to Nathanaël and smiled widely.

"Hey, I'm Adrien." Adrien extended his hand out to Nathanaël, but Nathanaël just looked down.Adrien had been homeschooled until recently. 

"Nathanaël." He simply stated, glancing up at the taller but returning his gaze back to the ground. 

"Well, Nathanaël, it was nice meeting you." He grinned softly and retreated his hand, grabbing his bag and walking past Nathanaël, out the door. Nathanaël watched the man walk away. 

All he could think about was Adrien after that. He was quite curious about the man. He knew deep in his heart, though, that it wasn’t worth talking to him or getting to know him if he was going to get hurt again. Everyone left. Everyone hated him. He knew that much. He wasn’t stupid. Shaking the thought out of his mind, he left the campus.

By the time he returned to his apartment, it was past midnight. Part of him wanted to stay up and think about things, but another part of him just wanted to sleep so that he could go to class in a little bit of a better mood later that day. It was ridiculous, but knowing he would see Adrien again made him a little excited, he had to admit. He had just met him, but who wouldn’t be curious about someone who talks to you when no one gives a fuck about you? He flopped onto his bed and closed his eyes, dreaming of Adrien but never admitting it in reality. 

He woke up, and the room was still pitch dark. Looking around, he grabbed his phone and saw the time. 2:56 AM. The itch was coming on again. He stumbled to the bathroom, unlike last time, not caring to take his clothes off as he stepped into the shower and turned it on. The heat enveloped him, and it urged him to turn it up, his skin now burning as the water steamed. The rawness of his skin made him feel real. The numbness he was always feeling seemed to be subsided. What he was feeling was real. The pain was real, and he loved it. 

Pulling his sleeves up, he started getting to work, covering his arms in new scars over the one’s from yesterday and the day before. There was a lot of blood, but he stopped himself before he could faint. Standing up, he dried himself off and patched himself up. Tomorrow, he would see Adrien again. He grinned faintly and curled up on his bed, nervous as to how he would face the taller tomorrow. 

~ 

Waking up with just more than enough time to spare to get to his first class, he decides to go out to the campus cafe, as he hasn’t been out in awhile, or in general, had food. He sat down at the table in a corner, where he always used to sit. Looking around in the cafe, the familiar feeling of the atmosphere came back as he sniffed the bitter scent of coffee lingering in the air. His order arrived at his table as he got some work out, getting started on up on all the missing assignments. Someone sat across from him, but he didn’t notice until his deep voice surprised him.

“Hey, Nathanael,” Adrien was grinning as he settled down and glanced at the work the shorter was doing, “do you come here often?”

“No. I just had extra time today.” Nathanael replied quietly, looking a little flushed as he gripped his pencil a little harder, his knuckles slowly turning white. 

“I see. Do you need help?” He asked as he leaned forward to look at the math problem Nathanael was working on, processing what Nathanael had done so far. Nathanael felt uncomfortably close, but he didn’t budge, and he had to admit that having Adrien close wasn’t all that bad. His face continued to embarrass him, though, turning into a tomato as he brought his eyes up to look at the tallers perfect features. He found himself staring, looking back down at the problem.

“U-Uh, I… I think I’m okay..?” It came out as more of a question than an answer.Adrien laughed softly and scooted his chair closer to Nathanael so that he wouldn’t need to look at the problem from upside down. 

“I’ll help, I’m actually quite advanced at math.” Adrien beams, smiling proudly. Nathanael would say the same about himself, but with the problems he had in his own little world, he had no priority in catching up and learning about the most advanced math in sophomore year of college. Nathanael simply nods in return, mumbling a small ‘thank you’ as he starts to sweat. 

“Is it hot in here? Why don’t you take off your sweater?” Adrien suggests, seeing his new friend all red in the face as sweat started to glisten on his forehead. 

“I-I’m okay, thank you.”

“Alright. Well for this problem…” And so Adrien went on about explaining how the math problem worked. Nathanael pretended like he was listening, but it was starting to get hard as he just couldn’t stop staring at the tallers beautiful face. His eyes followed his lips movements, daydreaming about them as Adrien babbled nonsense. 

He found himself falling, and he knew that this was bad, that what he was getting himself into would only hurt him more. But just like how he cuts, he can’t bring himself to actually stop. He can’t stop from staring at this boy, and adoring every single thing about him. His deep voice, his big ears, his awkward tallness. Everything was so perfect. 

“Um, Nathanael? Are you okay?” Adrien claps his hands in front of Nathanael's face, startling the shorter as he widened his eyes. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Nathanael grinned softly, after regaining control of his actions.

 

“You actually smile!” Adrien laughed and grinned as well. Nathanael, in return, sheepishly looked down at the math problems that were long forgotten by him, as his grin turned into a smile. One that told him for a fact that he was in love. 

The rest of the day was spent mostly with Adrien, as he discovered that miraculously, he was in the same class as Nathanael in the morning as well. Nathanael began to open up to Adrien, laughing more freely and overall becoming more comfortable with the presence of Adrien. He didn’t know why Adrien was being so nice to him, but he didn’t risk asking, and as long as it lasted like that for awhile, he would be okay. 

By the time he returned to his apartment, it was 10 PM. It was upsetting for him to return back to his depressing and lonely life, reasoning that Adrien was only playing with him and that he wasn’t a true friend. After all, they just met. For all he knew, Adrien could have been a psychopath who was planning to kill him. He chuckled at the thought, wondering how stupid he has become. He convinced himself that he was only a joke to Adrien, as that would ease the pain if that was indeed, the truth. 

It didn’t matter that he got to sleep with a clear mind for once. It didn’t matter that he felt his heart swelling with happiness, when he woke up with the urge to cut again. It simply didn’t have to do with if he felt like shit or not. Like everything else, it didn’t care about his feelings. He rushed to the bathroom. 2:57 AM. He had trouble keeping the blade in his hand as he slid the sharp edge across his already damaged skin. The pain eased his panic and he slid down onto the ground, not getting so far as he dropped the blade to the ground. The blood ran down his arm as he cried silently. The night was manipulating his thoughts, making him believe that he was worthless and that he was a big fat joke to everyone. He sobbed and sobbed until he realized it was 5 AM, and in about three hours Adrien would be at his doorstep for a day of ditching.

~

Adrien had arrived at his place like promised, but Nathanael didn’t expect him to actually come inside. Truthfully, he wasn’t even quite sure what they were going to be doing. All Nathanael knew was that he was going to ditch that day’s classes with Adrien and that he would spend a lot of time with him, to which he immediately agreed. 

Nathanael slightly panicked as the taller man entered his apartment, but was just as quickly at ease, remembering that he had cleaned up after everything.

“So, what are we doing exactly?” Nathanael asked out of curiosity. 

“I’ve been doing a lot of homework. I was just wondering if we could relax?” Adrien flopped onto Nathanael's couch, making himself feel at home. Nathanael nodded, sitting down next to him. 

The rest of the morning/afternoon consisted of them sitting on the couch, watching movies and laughing at jokes they shared with each other. Adrien excused himself to the bathroom, leaving Nathanael alone to smile and thank the taller silently for how happy he’s making him. 

“Nath..?” His voice, faint, was heard from the bathroom. Nathanael stood up, confused as he walked to the bathroom slowly. He stood by the open door.

“Did you need somethi-” Nathanael stood in shock as he stared at Adrien holding his box of blades, some new and some used. His heart started to pound rapidly, so many thoughts running through his head. 

“W-What is this?” Adrien looked up at Nathanael, and then back down at the box.

“It’s not what you’re thinking.” Nathanael giggled nervously in an attempt to lighten up the mood. 

“Come here.” Adrien extended his hand out, but Nathanael shook his head and stood in his place. Adrien placed the box down carefully on the counter and walked over to the shorter. He backed away in panic.

“S-Stay away.” Nathanael shook slightly and started to tear up. Adrien was starting to panic too, wanting to help Nathanael but not quite knowing what to do.

“Nath, I’m not going to hurt you. You know that, right?” Adrien softly took his hand and rubbed it to try to calm the shorter down. It worked, and Nathanael was breathing calmly as he took Adrien's hand and pulled him to the living room couch. Adrien sat down and Nathanael sat rather close, but no one was complaining, and that wasn’t what he was worried about right now. 

“Will you hate me?” He whispered softly, looking up at Adrien with sad eyes. It broke Adrien's heart to see the shorter like that, as his image of him was that of an innocent cute boy who hasn’t seen much of the real world. What they were talking about now, though, proved differently. 

“No, I would never. Now will you show me? I’m here to help you, Nathanael. We’re friends, right?” Adrien smiled wholeheartedly and squeezed his hand. Nathanael nodded slowly, shaking slightly as he looked down and pulled up his left sleeve. Scars, some faint and some fresh, covered his entire arm. Adrien didn’t mean to stare, but he did. It was a lot worse than he had thought.

“Why would you do this to yourself?” Adrien softly traced the scars and studied Nathanael’s face, pleading for an answer. Nathanael's natural instinct was to flinch, but he calmed down into the touch, as he trusted Adrien with his life. Nathanael didn’t answer. It was hard for him to talk about it, now that he had the opportunity to do so. Adrien waited, but as it came clear to him that he wouldn’t answer, he became impatient.

“You can tell me, you trust me right?” Adrien scoots closer to he as he opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He simply just didn’t know how to put how he felt into words, after keeping it in for so long.

“I-I don’t know.” Nathanael speaks quietly, looking down and feeling bad. Adrien didn’t understand. He was a very vague and open person. What he felt, he expressed. What he thought, he said out loud. He didn’t understand how Nathanael was going through so much but had nothing to say. He skipped to the conclusion that he didn’t trust him at all. 

“Why don’t you trust me?” Adrien spat out. Nathanael was taken aback by his harsh tone, looking at Adrien with slight fear in his eyes. Adrien didn’t back down. 

“I-I do I just don’t know what to say.” Nathanael looked down and shifted over so that he was a little more distant from Adrien. Adrien was more enraged by that, like he had been betrayed by Nathanael.

“I’m here, trying to help you but you don’t fucking give a shit, right?” Adrien laughs bitterly, standing up and shaking his head in disbelief as he walks to the door. Nathanael stands up and follows after him.

“W-Wait Adrien I ca-” 

“Fuck off.” And with that, the door was slammed in his face. He was alone in the darkness of his life again. He stood there by the door, baffled by what had just happened. He made sure that he was prepared for being broken by Adrien but when the time actually came, it was hard for him to comprehend. Replaying everything in his mind, he lifelessly walked to his bedroom and sat on the edge, his tears falling softly. 

“Adrien is a good person,” he kept repeating to himself, “Adrien is a good person.” But as time passed, the words started to lose meaning. He tried not to overthink, but he couldn’t stop. So many thoughts roamed through his head. What was Adrien doing now? Does he consider Nathanael his friend anymore? Does he even care? Does he feel sorry for what he said? 

With so much in his head, he took a quick shower and sat on his bed, searching on the internet with the little resources he had to find Adriens phone number, email, or just something. He found nothing, and in defeat he laid back. He was desperate to talk to Adrien wanting to say sorry for what he did. He did nothing wrong, but he just wanted to talk to Adrien again. He wanted to laugh along with him, and he yearned for his touch, the fingers along his scars strangely comforting. He knew that Adrien didn’t run away because he thought he was disgusting. 

He opened his eyes and immediately looked at the clock as the itch started to come again. 2:58 AM. His breathing became heavier and he rushed to the bathroom, the usual routine becoming all too familiar for his own good. As he cut that night, his mind was on Adrien. How he was blown off by him, how he just left knowing that Nathanael was having a hard time and in pain. Part of him understood, but the other part wondered why he would do such thing, blaming himself again for everything. Tonight, like most nights, the bad thoughts shadow over the positive and bright ones. 

~

He woke up with the sound of loud banging from the door. He at first thought it was his head, but it sounded so real that he got up and warily walked over to the front door. Part of him hoped it was Adrien, but he knew that he was just getting his hopes up again. Peeking through, he saw that it was indeed, Adrien. He beamed, but quickly faded into an expression of blankness, that of a person who was upset and hurt. He was truthfully hurt, but the happiness seemed to overpower at that moment. He had to keep his emotions and expressions in check. 

“Nathanael! Open up!” His deep voice echoed in the hallway, probably disturbing some of Nathanael's neighbors. Nathanael sighed deeply and opened the door, Adrieb immediately running inside and hugging the shorter. The one being hugged was taken aback, but he hugged back after a bit, not quite sure what Adrien was doing there, or why he was hugging him. He still relaxed in it, though, always seeming to enjoy the warmth of the giraffe even when he was upset with him. Adrien pulled him even closer, if that was possible, placing his head softly on his chest and wrapping the other arm around his waist protectively. He was breathing heavily. He must have been banging for quite awhile. 

“I-I thought you died or something. I’m so so so sorry Nathanael.” Adrien was trying to calm down, but that only resulted in him pushing Nathanael a little harder against him. Nathanawl gripped his shirt softly at the chest, resting his head a little above them. He started to tear up, holding in the cries so that Adrien wouldn’t know, but his body slightly quivering gave it away. Adrien squeezed him gently, resting his chin on his head. A sob escaped Nathanael's lips

 

“Hey, shh. Stop crying, everything will be okay. I’ll protect you. I’m going to stay tonight.” Adrienl sat down, pulling Nathanael onto his lap. Nathanael panicked slightly, not wanting Adrien to be involved in this. 

“I-I’ll be fine.” Nathanael grinned slightly, trying to prove the point. 

“Have you seen yourself?” Adrien didn’t mean for it to be an insult, but it came out as more of one. “Sorry.” Nathanael shook his head and buried his face in the tallers neck, relaxing and feeling all warm. Since when they got this intimate, he doesn’t know, but he enjoyed every single bit of it. It showed that Adrien cared. It showed that he was special. 

That night, they cuddled and relaxed, laughing at each other. Had their first kiss, and things got heated as they moved to his bedroom. All of that happened, but the words “I love you” weren’t exchanged that night, leaving Nathanael to fall asleep in Adrien's arms with a bit of sadness. 

Trying not to wake Adrien up, he got out of the bed and sneaked to the bathroom. He knew that his itch and anxiety would come soon, and he didn’t want to bother the taller who seemed to be sleeping peacefully. 2:59 AM. He gently closed the door and took his blade out, cutting away. His grip tightened on the blade, the anxiety of knowing that Adrien was just a door away getting to him, and the usual panic of not getting enough of the pain. The blood ran down his arm, and puddled slowly on the floor. The door suddenly burst open, a terrified and panting Adrien standing at the doorway, partially expecting Nathanael to have already fainted. What he saw was the small boy with fresh new cuts, blood all over the floor and all over his arms. The sight wasn’t any better than he expected. 

“You thought I wouldn’t notice you doing this?” Adrien's voice was quivering, glad to see that Nathanael was okay, but also knowing that he really wasn’t. 

“I-I…” Nathanawl didn’t know what to say. He was still picking himself up from when Adrien barged in, trying to comprehend what just happened. 

“Why would you do this? Please, tell me Nath.” Adrien kneeled down in front of him, careful to not step or lean on any of the blood on the floor. He held Nathanael's hand and inspected the cuts. Just looking at them made him feel hurt, he couldn’t imagine what Nathanael was going through. Standing up, wet a towel and kneeled back down, wiping his arm carefully to get rid of the blood. The cuts still bleed slightly, resulting in him searching for the first aid kit and wrapping Nathanael's arm up with a bandage. 

“Please..” Adrien was starting to tear up. He was extremely scared. What if all of this was his fault? What can he do to help? He doesn’t know about cutting or anything like that at all, and he can only try to help Nathanaelwhen he knows what the problem is. After not receiving an answer for awhile, he decided that they should at least get back to the bed. Adrien slid the shorter’s pants down as he yelped in response, backing away.

“Hey, watch out.” Adrien pulls Nathanael back closer to him, not wanting him to step in the blood. “Your pants are covered in blood, Common.” Nathanael protested, arguing that he could do these things by himself but Adrien ignored his complaints, putting the pants on the counter to take care of later as he held his hand and walked over to Nathanael's closet. He slid a new pair of pants onto Nathanael patting his butt lightly as he chuckled and led him over to the bed.

“Babe? Will you tell me what’s wrong?” Adrien climbed onto the bed and pulled Adrien down as well, having him rest his head against the taller. Adrien stroked his hair softly and waited for an answer.

“B-Babe..? Adrien what am I to you?” Nathanael spat, seeming slightly hurt.

“Well, let’s see. You’re perfect, and you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Adrien whispered into his ear, making him shiver and blush deeply. Nathanael still didn’t hear the words he wanted to, though.

“But like, wha-” 

“I love you, Nathanael.”Adrien stated with confidence. He cupped the smaller’s face with his big hand and tilted it up so that he could stare at this beautiful face. “I really do.” Nathanael's face represented a tomato by now, as Adrien leaned in and kissed him softly. It was unlike the kiss earlier as things got heated up. This one was filled with love and affection. Nathanael had found his new favorite thing to do. Pulling away, Adrien smiled and pecked the his forehead. 

“I-I love you too.”Adrien mumbled, embarrassed as he looked down.

“What was that?”

“I love you, you giant.” Nathanael responded, a little louder this time. Adrien giggled and hugged the boy tightly, earning a yelp. 

“You still haven’t told me why you do this to yourself” Nathanael's smile slightly faltered as Adrien rubbed his bandage lightly. It’s not that Nathanael didn’t want to tell him, it’s that he didn’t really know what to say.

“Maybe when I know what to say?” Nathanael suggested. Adrien immediately agreed. 

~

But the next day he found himself kneeling in front of him, regretting agreeing. He could have coaxed it out of him. He could have sent him to therapy whether he liked it or not. He could have met him earlier and made it so that he didn’t have to suffer. He could have done a lot of things. 

It was 3 AM. He was too late. If he had came a second earlier, it wouldn’t have been. The whole world was out to get him, or so he thought as he bawled his eyes out. He told himself that this was a dream. He punched himself, slapped as hard as he could. Nothing. Only pain followed, but not even that pain could compare to the pain he was feeling inside his heart at that moment. 

It drove him crazy that he didn’t know why he did it. He never did. It was his fault, for not forcing Nathanael to tell him even if it was hard, but it nonetheless made him upset. Everything was useless. The thoughts going through his mind as he continued to convince him that this was a dream. The emptiness he felt in himself had to be a joke. 

He never wished for anything more in his life. He loved Nathanawl. He wanted to go back and help him. But it’s too late. He kissed Nathanael’s forehead once more and closed his lover’s eyes, whispering one last ‘I love you’ as he said goodbye, forever.


End file.
